


How Did I Fall In Love With You?

by meiloslyther



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco, The Young Veins
Genre: Angst, Bondage, First Time, Fluff, M/M, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-05
Updated: 2009-08-05
Packaged: 2017-11-19 10:48:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/572447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meiloslyther/pseuds/meiloslyther
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bad things happen when Ryan reads fanfiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know WHERE this came from. My ass maybe? Maybe too much pornfic reading? Who knows.

Ryan Ross was definitely, totally, absolutely _not_ reading fanfiction. Why? Because fanfiction was complete bullshit, most of it didn't make any sense, most of it was terribly written, and rarely did the writers of such dribble ever get any of the facts right. Honestly? Ryan was not a whiny little bitch. He definitely was not suicidal, or a cutter, or anorexic.

And fuck, he _really_ was not gay. He was not with Brendon, Spencer, Jon, Pete, William... christ, these kids were just fucking insane.

But of all things he was not reading _pornographic_ fanfiction. No sir, not Ryan Ross.

"God, is that even possible?" he muttered under his breath, staring at a jumble of words on someone's LiveJournal page on his laptop screen.

Okay, so maybe he was a little curious. Kids and their rumors, he figured it'd give him a good laugh at least.

"Ew. Ew, no. What?" He had just read something about Brendon _licking his ass_. Seriously? It was so disgusting, but he couldn't stop reading it. It was like a train wreck; a particularly gory train wreck.

When he got to the part where Brendon shoved his cock up his ass, he clapped a hand over his mouth, unsure if he should laugh, cry, or vomit. And fic-Ryan was _moaning_ , loving every second of it, coming _without even having his dick touched_.

"Hey, Ry, whatcha doing?"

Ryan practically jumped a foot in the air, nearly flinging his laptop across the room. He managed to keep it in his lap, however, fumbling to snap it shut with a sharp click. Only when it was safely closed did he look up at the voice that had spoken to him.

It was Brendon. A very smug looking Brendon.

"Ryan, you weren't looking at something you shouldn't have been looking at... were you?" he asked slowly, condescendingly, like he was his _mother_ or something, that crooked smirk still plastered to his face.

Ryan composed himself quickly, running a bony hand through what little hair he had left after getting it cut again. "I'm old enough to look at whatever I want, _Brendon_." Actually, if he took the time to think about that, he did sound pretty bitchy. He didn't think about it. "You're not my mom."

"Yeah, you're right; you'd look a lot better if I was your mom."

Ryan huffed angrily and glared daggers into the back of Brendon's head as he skipped off towards the front of the bus. He waited until he could hear Spencer squawk irritably and Jon laugh before flipping his laptop back open.

God, if these kids thought he was in a relationship, sexual or not, with _that_ , they had another thing coming.

***

Somehow, someway, Ryan had gotten sucked into this fanfiction thing. He didn't tell anyone, not even Spencer, because reading porn stories about yourself and your best friends? Not cool. It wasn't like he got off on it or anything, definitely not. It was just interesting to read what people thought happened behind the scenes. Even if it was kind of gross.

He burst into a fit of giggles when he read the one about his rose vest getting ruined by Jon coming all over it. Now that WOULD have been an interesting turn of events, but yeah, it never happened. He simply lost the damn thing.

Interesting, he kept telling himself. It was just interesting, that's all.

***

Ryan began noticing things about Brendon; namely, his ass and his lips because pretty much every story mentioned one or both in obscenely graphic detail. Then there was the fact that Brendon almost always had a childish personality in these things. Why did these kids get Brendon's character right, but not his? It was kind of unfair.

Okay, so maybe these stories put a new light on Brendon's assets, no pun intended. Because, Brendon's ass was pretty nice and his lips were big and full, but not ridiculously so. Kissable, was the only single word to describe them that sounded right, but he would never admit to thinking that. Or thinking that Brendon's ass was nice. Because, hell, then people would have a _reason_ to think he was gay.

He began to notice each of Brendon's familiar facial expressions. He filed away mental pictures of the trademark pouty face, that eyebrow thing he did, his cheesy grin, even that special look on stage when he was _in the zone_ , all sweaty and half out of breath.

Brendon Urie was a sexy motherfucker, and he knew it. Ryan could see why people liked him, could see why the fans adored him. He could understand why teenage girls fawned over him.

But for the life of him, he could not figure out why these kids put the two of them _together_.

***

"Why do you think the fans think we're together?"

Brendon looked over at Ryan from the opposite side of the couch where he was watching Aladdin for the billionth time. A knowing grin grew on his lips as he noticed the laptop resting on Ryan's thighs.

"You've been reading fanfics again, haven't you?" Brendon sighed, turning back to the movie.

Ryan blinked stupidly, glad that the younger male wasn't watching him. How in the fuck did he know about _that_?

"What are you talking about?" he finally retorted, forcing his face to look confused instead of utterly horrified.

"Dude, you know I use your computer. If you didn't want me to find out, you should have cleared the history. You know I'm terribly curious. Did you actually read that one about you, Spence, and Jon practically raping me?"

Ryan gaped at him. He could barely form coherent thoughts in his head. "Did you?" was all he could think of.

"Yeah," he answered with a shrug. "It was pretty well written, actually."

"Didn't it freak you out?"

"So you did read it."

"You didn't answer my question," Ryan deadpanned.

"Nope. Didn't freak me out. It isn't real, never happened. Why should I freak out?"

"Because... nevermind."

There was silence for a moment, Brendon watching his movie intently, Ryan glaring at his computer screen.

"You won't tell anyone, will you?"

Brendon glanced back up at Ryan. "I haven't told anyone yet. Don't worry, Ross, your secret's safe with me."

Something warm and heavy settled on Ryan's chest with Brendon's sincerity, not exactly a bad feeling, but new and unexpected nonetheless. He quickly looked away from Brendon and back at his laptop.

***

Ryan found himself spending time with Brendon a lot more than usual. It wasn't _his_ doing, he told himself, because Jon and Spencer were always off by themselves, leaving him alone with Brendon. He wasn't exactly a willing participant in this arrangement, even though he could still hole himself up alone in his bunk if he really didn't want to be around Brendon.

But the truth was, he kind of _liked_ being around his younger singer.

"Dude! You so just lost."

"I hate this game."

"You only say that when you lose, you baby."

"I'm not a baby, you're the one who cheated."

"Cheated? Me? No sir, Brendon Urie does not cheat."

"Uh huh, sure, tell that to my big white ass."

"Pff, you don't even have an ass. Much less a big one."

"You would know, oh king of big asses."

"You're just jealous because I get all the girls grabbing my ass."

"Yeah, and you're usually the bottom in all the fics because of it too."

The two froze. A slow blush crept across Ryan's face and Brendon had the decency to look mortified.

"Sorry, that was low." Ryan's pulse throbbed painfully in his neck, guilt making the weight on his chest heavier. He had been doing well to avoid thinking about it.

"You know as well as I do that there are just as many fics where you're the bottom cause the fans think you're a little bitch."

A smile found it's way to Ryan's lips, Brendon's curling up as well.

"Okay, okay, you got me. You up for a rematch, cheater?"

"Oh, you're in for it, Ross."

And just like that, everything was back to normal. Well, except for that weird tightening in Ryan's chest that he felt every time he was around Brendon. But he was quickly getting used to that.

***

Ryan was rooming with Brendon on hotel night, and for once it didn't bother him when he practically stole first shower and then proceeded to lounge around the room naked. Of course, naked Brendon had never really bothered him in the first place; he had this clothing optional kind of mentality from the get-go. He actually scared the shit out of Spencer when he had to go wake him up for the first time and found out that he slept in only bed sheets.

Ryan, however, was modest and at least pulled on a pair of boxers before going to sit on the couch next to Brendon. The younger man had turned on a random channel with a show Ryan didn't recognize on it. Ryan watched it anyway.

"You ever think the fans put us together because of something that we can't see for ourselves? Something you'd only be able to see if you were an outsider looking in?"

Ryan glanced over at Brendon, splayed out across his side of the couch, a pensive look on his face as he watched the TV screen.

"I can't imagine what it would be. I think they were just reading a little too far into our stage show on the Circus tour or something." Ryan shrugged. When did Brendon suddenly become all philosophical anyway?

"You know you can't just blame it on the Circus tour."

Brendon was looking back at Ryan now, not even a hint of humor in his expression. That weird _tightweightheat_ feeling burned Ryan's chest at Brendon's gaze, and he forced himself to look away.

"Maybe they know something we don't," Brendon continued, putting a finger to Ryan's jaw, making him look at him again.

Ryan was suddenly highly aware of his breathing, his heartbeat, and even with the TV on it was too quiet, too still. It felt like time had been momentarily paused, and the finger that rested against his jaw felt too warm, too close. He hoped that Brendon didn't notice the way his breath hitched as the weight in his chest tightened even more, twisting madly around his heart and lungs.

"Maybe... maybe we're just too blind to see what's right in front of our faces," Brendon whispered, and Ryan swore he saw Brendon's eyes flash knowingly.

They stared at each other for what seemed like a lifetime before Brendon blinked and pulled his hand away from Ryan's face.

"I'm going to bed. You coming?" Brendon asked, standing and stretching gracefully.

The spell had been broken. This... _thing_ in Ryan's chest subsided to a dull ache, allowing him to finally breathe properly. "Yeah. Sure."

***

The feeling in Ryan's chest whenever he was around Brendon was beginning to get harder and harder to ignore. The less graphic fics, riddled with cuteness and cuddling, made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside and that... okay, that was kind of scary. He felt an uncharacteristically jealous pang whenever Brendon draped himself over Spencer or Jon. To say the least, things inside Ryan's head were just getting ridiculous.

It was only when he read a fic that described the exact same feeling he had and labeled it as _love_ that he clapped one hand over his mouth and the other over his chest and cried.

He had unknowingly fallen in love with Brendon. He was so so _so fucking stupid_.

***

"Ryan, are you okay?"

 _No, I'm fucking in love with my best friend_ , was what he wanted to yell at Spencer, but he knew better. "Dumb question," he replied instead.

Spencer pulled him into a tight hug. "You know you don't have to tell me, but if you want to talk..."

"I know."

They stood there for a while, Ryan clutching desperately at Spencer's chest, vainly hoping that it would make everything better. He knew better, though.

"Ry, you're shaking."

He hadn't even realized it until Spencer pointed it out. He was just trying to push the tears back, deal with this frustration like a man. Sort of.

It didn't work. A sob forced it's way out, the shoulder of Spencer's shirt already getting wet. Ryan simply held on tighter, and Spencer let him, trailing a hand up to softly brush his fingers through Ryan's auburn hair.

"Shh, Ryan..."

Ryan calmed down after a minute, feeling better for getting it out, relaxing into Spencer's touch.

"I just... I don't know what's going on, Spence," he whispered when he thought he could trust his voice again.

"You're smart, you'll figure it out eventually."

"I mean, what if... what if it doesn't work?"

Spencer pulled him away, just enough to duck his head down to look him in the face. "You can make it work. I know you can."

Ryan wiped his face with the back of one long, bony hand. "Yeah?"

Spencer gave him a reassuring smile. "Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some actual fics I mentioned within this piece. I highly recommend them, they're pretty good.
> 
> "...the one about [Ryan's] rose vest getting ruined by Jon coming all over it." [Here.](http://community.livejournal.com/damnyouwentz/423327.html)
> 
> "...that one about [Ryan], Spence, and Jon practically raping [Brendon]..." [Here.](http://meiloslyther.livejournal.com/3864.html#cutid1) (SELF-PIMPING, OHNOES.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan's hopelessly in love with Brendon and tries in vain to ignore it.

The next hotel night, Ryan got stuck with Brendon again. Okay, so he kind of smooth talked Spencer into rooming with Jon, but whatever. He wasn't about to tell anyone that.

Brendon once again stole first shower, although Ryan totally let him steal it, and flopped onto the couch completely naked. Ryan rushed through his own shower before joining him, wearing a clean pair of boxers. It was just routine.

"Ryan?"

"Hm?"

When Brendon didn't say anything, Ryan turned to look at him. He was looking down at his hands fidgeting in his lap, teeth worrying at his bottom lip.

Ryan raised an eyebrow at him even though he wasn't looking. "Bren?"

The younger man's eyes darted to glance sideways at Ryan, then back to his hands, then back at Ryan. Before Ryan could even think, Brendon's hand was on the back of his neck, their lips pressed together in a fierce kiss. Just when Ryan was about to kiss back, Brendon pulled away, curling in on himself against the armrest.

Ryan sat stunned for a minute, thinking _did that really just happen?_ He brought his fingers up to his lips, testing where Brendon's had just been and _yes, it did just happen_.

"Bren..."

Brendon didn't move. He had his knees tucked against his chest, his forearms resting on top of them, his face buried in his arms. Ryan carefully placed a hand on his shoulder but he shrugged it off, standing up.

"I'm going to bed," he muttered, not looking at Ryan.

"Brendon-"

"It wasn't supposed to happen like this, okay?" Brendon nearly yelled, turning on Ryan. His voice wavered a little, fear and confusion swirling in his big brown eyes. "It wasn't supposed to happen at all." He took a deep, shaky breath, willing back tears that Ryan could already see. "I'm not supposed to feel this way about a guy. I'm not supposed to feel this way about you."

As soon as Brendon's face began to crumble, his teeth biting into his lip again, Ryan had him pulled into a tight hug. Brendon tried to get away, but Ryan just held on tighter, and finally Brendon gave up, slumping against his older friend.

"I'm probably not supposed to know exactly how you feel, either," Ryan whispered against Brendon's temple, shutting his eyes when Brendon finally let out a sob and wrapped his arms around Ryan's neck.

Ryan wanted to just hold Brendon forever and ever and never let go.

***

Things between Ryan and Brendon became awkward and they avoided each other as much as they could. However, Ryan still found himself staring over at Brendon on stage, still found it hard to breathe whenever Brendon got too close, still felt that tightening in his chest, now more than ever. It was at the point where it never went away, only dulled when Brendon wasn't around, and he couldn't ignore it at all anymore.

"Brendon?" Ryan whispered into the dark of his bunk after almost three hours of not being able to fall asleep.

"Hm?" he heard from the bunk across the aisle, Brendon's.

"I can't sleep."

"Me either."

After a beat of silence, Ryan crawled out of his own bunk and into Brendon's, the younger man quietly making room for him. They lay there for a while, looking anywhere but at each other.

"We need to talk about this," Ryan finally muttered, still not looking at Brendon.

"I really don't want to."

"We can't just ignore this forever, you know. It's just going to get worse." Ryan glanced over at Brendon, who was staring at the ceiling of his bunk. Ryan placed a cautious hand over Brendon's chest, the exact place where he got that feeling in his own. Brendon sucked in a breath and his confused eyes shifted over to Ryan's.

"Ryan, what are you-?"

"It hurts, Brendon. It hurts right here," he interrupted, tapping Brendon's chest softly. "And if we ignore it, it's only going to hurt more. Don't tell me you don't feel it too."

Brendon covered Ryan's hand with his own. "I do. It's just... I'm scared, Ry."

Ryan leaned in to press their foreheads together. "I'll always be right by your side. I'll always be there to hold your hand and guide you through it, okay?" He maneuvered his hand around so that he was doing just that. "And I'll do it because I love you, Brendon Urie. I love you so, so much."

Brendon reached out with his other hand to pull Ryan closer so that they were chest to chest, hip to hip. "I love you too, Ryan. And I'm not just saying it this time. I really mean it."

Ryan smiled into Brendon's collarbone because yeah, he knew.

***

At first it was just snuggling together in one of their bunks at night, maybe a quick kiss or two. The quick kisses became more frequent, longer, deeper, more desperate. Snuggling turned into hopeless grinding into each other as they kissed, drowning their moans in each other's mouths. The grinding turned into fumbling underneath clothes, bitten shoulders and lips as they tried to keep quiet when they came in the other's hand.

It was the very next hotel night that Ryan made up his mind. He told himself that the fanfiction had influenced him in no way whatsoever. He knew Brendon would know better.

"Bren... Brendon, wait."

They were both naked for once, sprawled across Ryan's bed. As if Brendon would even be using the other one. Brendon stopped moving his hand over Ryan's cock, pulling back from the kiss to look Ryan in the face.

"Yes?" Brendon urged when Ryan simply lay there, biting his lip nervously.

"Brendon, will you..." Ryan averted his gaze from Brendon's, already hot in the face. "Willyoumakelovetome?"

Brendon smiled in a way that let Ryan know he was trying to hold back uncontrollable laughter. "Anything for you."

"Asshole."

"Hey, I just agreed to have sex with you, you don't get to complain."

"Mmm, I kind of hate your logic," Ryan muttered, pulling Brendon down for a kiss.

"Lube?" Brendon mumbled against Ryan's lips.

"I have some hand lotion in my bag," he replied when Brendon pulled away.

Brendon nodded, crawling off the bed and digging in Ryan's bag. While he was busy, Ryan shifted around a little so that his hips were propped up on a pillow and his legs were spread and bent at the knee. He _totally_ had not stolen tips from fanfiction, definitely not.

When Brendon turned back around his breath caught a little before he was crawling back up the bed, laying the bottle of lotion and a condom he had found near the bottom of Ryan's bag on the bed.

"God, you're so beautiful like this," Brendon breathed, running his hands along Ryan's sides as he kissed up his chest to his neck, sucking right at the point where neck muscle met the v of his collarbone.

Brendon kissed him once more before picking up the lotion, squeezing some out onto his hand. He coated two fingers before gently rubbing around Ryan's entrance. Ryan mewled at the touch, so Brendon slipped one finger in, going slow and easy. Ryan clenched tightly around his finger, but quickly relaxed by sheer willpower.

"Okay?"

Ryan nodded. "More."

Brendon pressed a second finger in beside the first, easing Ryan open with the kind of concentration he normally only reserved for the music. It burned a little, but Brendon seemed mindful of that, being extremely careful. Ryan had the very sneaking suspicion that Brendon had read more fanfiction that he let on, especially when he curled his fingers _right there_.

"Oh, oh god."

"You like that?" Brendon inquired, pressing soft kisses to the inside of Ryan's thigh.

"Yeah... yeah, one more, come on," Ryan replied, breathless already.

Brendon slicked up a third finger before pushing it in along with the other two, causing Ryan to gasp in pain. Brendon quickly found his prostate again and Ryan relaxed into Brendon's touch, groaning quietly.

"Bren, c'mon... please."

Brendon removed his fingers, wiping them on the bed before grabbing the condom and ripping it open. He fumbled a little getting it on, but finally added a layer of lotion and positioned himself. He stretched up to give Ryan a quick kiss as he began pushing in, forcing himself past the tight ring of muscle.

"Fuck, stop." Ryan grabbed Brendon's upper arms, digging his nails in because _shit_ , that fucking hurts.

Brendon froze, only moving to massage Ryan's hip with his thumb. "Shh, relax. Relax."

Ryan shut his watering eyes, biting his lip hard as he tried to relax, tried to concentrate on Brendon's hand at his hip. He took a deep breath and let it back out.

"Okay... okay."

Brendon began pushing in again, slowly, and Ryan could feel every last inch. He could feel Brendon's pulse beating in counterpoint to his own, could feel the heat, the stretch, the burn. When Brendon's hips finally met the back of Ryan's thighs, he let his head fall to the elder's chest, sweat already beginning to form on his forehead.

Brendon let out a weak laugh, looking up at Ryan. "I could stay like this forever, honestly."

"You know, I actually wouldn't mind it for, oh, about the next three seconds."

Brendon made a face, but slowly began pulling back out, almost all the way before pushing back in, starting up a rhythm that wasn't too harsh, but not exactly gentle either.

After about the fifth thrust — and no, of course Ryan hadn't _counted_ , definitely not — Ryan was fumbling for something to grab on to because Brendon had just found his prostate again. Brendon chuckled a little to himself, grunting when Ryan tugged at the hair at the back of his neck.

"Found it," Brendon muttered against Ryan's neck, nipping at his jugular.

"F-fuck you, Brendon," Ryan stuttered, a little more than breathless.

"Mmm, already there, baby," Brendon replied, stretching up to tug at Ryan's earlobe with his teeth, his canine catching on the piercing that had never closed up completely.

Ryan's quiet moans filled the air, fingers curling and uncurling in Brendon's hair with each thrust. He wrapped his long, thin legs around Brendon's waist, urging the younger man on with his heels.

Without warning, Brendon reached up and grabbed both of Ryan's wrists, pinning them to the bed beside his shoulders. "Seriously, you need to stop pulling my hair," he growled, punctuating that thought with a rather violent thrust.

Ryan cried out louder than ever, his back arching and his tiny wrists straining against Brendon's firm grip. And, okay, being held down should _not_ make him feel this good.

Brendon paused, gaping down at Ryan with a curl at the corner of his open mouth. "You like that? You like it when I hold you down, Ryan?"

Brendon thrust in hard again and Ryan simply _writhed_ , moaning loudly like a cheap Vegas whore. God, he was so close to coming it wasn't even funny.

"C'mon, answer me, Ryan."

"God, fuck, yes! Just... fuck, faster, Bren."

Brendon complied, pressing down hard on the words inked into Ryan's slim wrists. Ryan bit his lip and he was so so _so close_ , if only Brendon would touch him, or if he could himself, but _fuck_ , having Brendon hold him down was just too hot.

Almost as if he had read Ryan's mind, Brendon leaned down a little to suck on his neck and his stomach grazed Ryan's cock as he thrust into his guitarist wildly. Before Ryan could even think, he was coming from just that, every muscle tensing as he let out the loudest groan he had ever legitimately made in his life.

"Oh fuck, Ross," Brendon gasped, letting go of Ryan's wrists in favor of his hips, slamming into him as the aftershocks of Ryan's orgasm tipped him over the edge.

Brendon finally came to a stop, resting his cheek on Ryan's shoulder, his hot breath ghosting over his neck. They didn't move for what seemed like hours, their desperate panting and racing pulses eventually going back to normal.

Brendon finally pushed himself up with a tired groan, sliding out and discarding the condom before collapsing next to Ryan. Giving his come covered stomach a half-hearted look of disgust, Ryan reached out to the tissue box on the nightstand, grabbing one and wiping himself off.

"Wow," was the only word Ryan could think of as he settled against Brendon's side, one arm slung across his chest.

"Yeah. Who would have thought...?" Brendon added, tugging Ryan closer and pressing a kiss to his nose.

"Our fans are smart little fuckers," Ryan muttered after a minute, eyes already closed.

"Mmm, that's why they're our fans."

Ryan made a noise of consent, blindly grabbing for the sheets and pulling them up. After a few moments, they were both sound asleep.

Okay, so maybe fanfiction wasn't so much bullshit after all. They had pretty much just written their own, fucking shamelessly in a hotel bed in the middle of a state they couldn't remember the name of. So maybe Ryan was a little bit bitchy, if he was honest with himself, and he had totally just bottomed to _Brendon Urie_ of all people, but really? Who cared?

Life was good, and Ryan Ross couldn't have been happier.  



End file.
